ur twenty?

I turned twenty yesterday—TWENTY. If I sat down with myself at 18, I would feel as if I were a stranger. I thought I knew everything there was to know at 18, and I didn’t; I was just inexperienced. 

I feel like many people, including myself, go through a quarter-life crisis for that reason. You're just a baby at 17 or 18 years old. You KNOW everything but haven’t gone through anything.

I was 18, crying over some loser I thought I “loved” when looking back, I didn’t even really like him at all. I learned much from my teenage years about myself, who I want to be, and why. if you think about it, your teenage years are just transitioning into adult life. In that time, you make mistakes and learn the importance of forgiveness and learning from those mistakes. So, no, I don't think my ex-boyfriend was an evil mastermind at 17 years old, but at the time, it felt like my world was going to end. 

For this reason, I love getting older. I love birthdays and getting a new age. It's like hitting the refresh button on your life. I have so many goals I want to implement this year, and I love looking at things from a new, grown-up perspective. I've always been very detail-oriented, very observant, and also very independent. I love being alone and doing things alone, but as I open the door to a new decade, I have to ask myself, is it worth it to keep going on like this?

I also realized recently that it is everyone's first time living, not mine. Others make mistakes, and It would be hypocritical to hold a grudge forever. This girl I work with called me a bitch a couple of weeks ago, not because I am but just because she doesn’t like me very much; why this is, I don't know, but I don't care enough to ask. Instead of confronting her and calling her a bitch behind her back, I genuinely feel sorry for her, she has no reason not to like me, but one day, she will heal and become a better person and maybe even look back and realize the way she acted towards others. Today will not be that day, but it is her first time living, you know? One day, she will realize, and one day, she will be content with herself to the point where she doesn’t feel it is necessary to drag others down to her level. Trying to maintain this mindset is hard, but I know that I can’t grow into the best version of myself if I wait for others' permission.

Twenty sounds so grown up that it freaks me out. I know absolutely nothing, but I will say that I truly believe everything happens for a reason. Everything that has gone wrong in the last five years of my life has gotten me to where I am now. I can’t imagine it any other way, and maybe that is just what I needed to understand in order to move forward. 

To anyone who needs advice about their life, the best piece I can give you is that if you feel lost or behind everyone else in your life, you're doing something right. No one at 19, 20, or 21 should have a clear cut of their life, and if they say they do, then they’re afraid of going after what they really want. Don't settle because it feels comfortable; all the pieces will fall perfectly together one day. I don't know about you, but I would have been through hell and back to get to my dream life instead of looking back and wishing I had tried a little harder or fought for what I wanted a little more. So with this, happy birthday to me, and here’s to a decade full of change and growth.