The Power of Perception

Why are other people's opinions SO influential?

I don't have the answer, but I often ask myself this question daily. Whenever I do something remotely risky (as in sharing my opinion), I am terrified of what could be said or thought about me.

It's my worst character trait, really, and that's considering the one time I stalked a guy's third cousin on Facebook. 

It shouldn't matter what people think, and I'm so jealous of those who live life with that idea. But it takes a lot to get to that point of security, so let's talk about it.

When I was 12 I convinced my mom to let me get a spray tan, I think it was after a really popular boy told my friend I was as white as a ghost. Now I'm 19 and think about it whenever I see myself getting pale. Along the lines of this, I was a major people pleaser. I couldn't stand the idea of someone not liking me, so I chose to overcompensate by basically being a clay mold of a girl. Anyone I was around or was friends with could mold me easily into whatever best fit them. I was known for being that girl who got along with everyone or had random groups of friends. I was the definition of "fake it till you make it."

I was never myself because I thought if I became my own person, everyone would hate me for it and think of me differently. While this may seem irrational, it was very, very real for me. But let me explain to you my downfall.

I let everyone walk all over me; it was no secret I let it happen. Luckily, I had a best friend who would die for me and all of high school. She never hesitated to fight my battles for me, and I let her. When we went to college, however, everything changed. I graduated high school and got into a situation where a boy was interested in me. As always, I let him think I was the most easygoing girlfriend. Of course, it was no surprise that he ended up cheating on me, and to put it in perspective, it was almost like everything I thought I had accomplished came crashing down at once, and my best friend wasn't there to pick up the pieces.

I was frustrated, betrayed, and confused. But most of all, I was so mad at myself for letting it get to this. I had never felt unwanted before, especially since I had tried hard to be perfect. But the flaw in my plan is that I had absolutely no idea who I was, so I was unaware that the parts of me he decided weren't enough. Now, almost two years later, after a lot of trial and error, I've developed a stronger sense of self; I know what I like vs. what I don't, and I chose my friends who know the real me and want me for it. With this, however, comes the inevitable, some people may not like me. It's a tough pill to swallow, and I know I'm not alone in this, but hearing someone say something about me makes me want to crawl into a hole and never show my face again, but let me tell you, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

One thing you need to ask yourself if you ever find yourself in a situation like this is, did you do something to this person? If yes, then apologize and fix it. Sometimes, you can't, which is okay, but making mistakes doesn't make you a bad person; it makes you human. If they don't accept your apology, you can move on and try to improve. Learning from mistakes is how we grow; if you did everything you could, there's no point dwelling on it. If you didn't do anything to them, then drop it. Don't think twice about it. You do not have to apologize for simply existing, nor do you have to apologize for not aligning with their personality. It's easier said than done. But it's a good start to ask yourself if it's legitimate or in your head; you can save yourself a lot of stress by figuring that out first. 

Second, I have the "it's not my problem" mindset. Don't be spreading gossip or anything that can link back to you, but instead, just know it's not your problem to fix or share with others. You may think people will like you more if you do this, but it's the opposite. If they're fine gossiping with you, they are fine gossiping about you. Don't give them something to talk about and just don't care about getting something to talk about. You'll be surprised how quieter life gets once you get other people's shit out of your head. 

Last but not least, learn not to care. And I mean this wholeheartedly. If you think someone doesn't like you, don't care. If you're wondering if they judge you, no, they don't. If they're talking bad about you for no reason, then they're just jealous. It's the bottom line that separates secure people from the insecure. Learn to stop caring so much about what other people think, and you will grow into a better version of yourself.

It is so easy to get caught up in other people's thoughts that you forget to have some of your own. I know from many years of experience that life moves on, but it won't feel like that if you are the one holding yourself back. 

Here to a better us in 2025 <3 

XO- Em