Sophomore Slump

Happy summer! Damn it’s hot. I finished my sophomore year of college—roughest year of my life. But even though I wish I could change like 15 thousand things that happened this year, it led me to where I am now, and where I will be in the future. So with this entry I thought a little advice sesh would be appropriate, or at least a little reflective for myself.

Oh where to begin. I think sometime within the past 9 months I woke up with a fuck-it kind of mindset. I had a rough year, I won’t lie, but now that I'm on the mend I think my brain’s cleared a little to explain what I learned from it. Midst going through the worst couple months of my life, my guy friend pressed me really hard one night. He said some things he shouldn’t have in a tone he shouldn’t have, and I think that one night caused a shift in me. I didn’t stand up for myself at all, but then literally woke up the next morning and lost my composure as a person. I became a lot meaner. I was dealing with a lot, and on top of that I thought I lost a friend only because I decided to finally stand up for myself.

It wasn’t only in my personal life too. I found my patience hung on by a string at work and with dealing with customers and pretty much everyone around me. Not that I was a complete menace to be around, but I knew this version of myself wasn’t someone I recognized nor liked very much. With this I kind of had to chill out a little and work to find a common middle ground with myself so that I don’t continue to take shit from other people, yet not so much where I become mad at the world.

To help with this I pieced back some parts of my life that maybe made me feel more out of control. I rearranged my room in my apartment, I took a step back from my customer service job and picked up nannying instead, I also gave myself more of a routine in the gym that gave me an hour-ish a day to focus on myself and my thoughts. I’m still working on bettering myself in this area, but for someone who hit a very low low, I would say I am back up to a 5 or 6 on the ideal scale.

Second thing I learned from this year is “if he wanted to, he would.” Yes I know. I fought this to the death, even in previous entries. UGH I wish I could’ve realized this statement was well known for a reason. My bad guys. Truth is, if he wanted to, HE WOULD. In my 20 years on this Earth, I have liked a handful of guys. Out of those, only one didn’t want me back—or if he did, he didn’t do anything about it. Who do you think I hyperfixated on for the last year and a half?

Yup. It was only really because I felt like I was spiraling, and I thought maybe if I could prove that I could change him, everything else in my life would fall in place. When it didn’t, I was stuck. Then I came to the realization I was in fact wrong. If he wanted to, he would. He didn’t. And if he does, it just means I wasn’t his first choice. There will be others who I won’t view as a challenge or someone I have to prove myself to. It will come once the better version of myself comes back around.

To wrap this up, I wish I knew it was normal to spiral a little. I mean, granted, I spiraled for a good reason, but in my defense I have always been so stable that it was hard to shake me, nevertheless break me. Especially the second year of college—it’s easy to feel lost in more ways than academics. The post-freshman frenzy is over and then you have to lock in—it’s understandable. For me though, I wasn’t really good at being okay with the unknown and I think it caused me more problems in the long run. I wish I could give you more solid advice for this, but I haven’t lived it yet so it’s hard to tell. I do, however, think having a more solid routine will make me feel more in control, so I’ll let you know once fall starts LOL.

Anyways, that’s a wrap on the hardest, most emotionally draining, exhausting school year of my entire life. I’m so grateful for everything this year has brought me, but more importantly I’m grateful for everything it has taken away from me.

Talk to ya soon.