"But I Love Him"

No, you don't. Or you do, but shouldn't

Let me tell you something. First off, I'm delirious at the moment. I'm wine-drunk and haven't slept in 5 days because I flew back from NYC at 4am this morning, but I'm still here because of how fired up I feel. I just saw a picture confirming my worst fear, the man I absolutely loved with another girl. Yes, she's perfect for him, beautiful, and everything above, so why did I just down too much wine? Maybe because seeing that burned a hole right through my heart, brain, and whatever else played a part in my obsession with him. 

Many girls get into a situation where they love someone so much that they excuse anything and everything. I am guilty of this; for instance, I met this man almost 2 years ago when we were both new to the area. I was completely and totally in love with him, or so I thought. I was in love with a guy who most people around me hated. He was an asshole, just not to me, so I didn't believe anyone who warned me. Falling in love is funny because you suddenly wake up a while later and think, what the f was I even doing? Why was I chasing after a man who clearly did not want me? Maybe he made me who I am today, shifted my perspective, gave me standards I didn't have before, or perhaps he did break me. He left me with no warning or explanation, and it left me in a hole that took months and months to dig myself out of. I could talk about this man's effect on me for ages, but it's not really about me.

When I hear a girl defend a man to the point where there's no argument other than "But I love him," I know exactly what she's dealing with. I'm here to tell you, from a nonprofessional 19-year-old girl who was utterly in love with an asshole, he does NOT deserve your love. Let me repeat, he does not deserve the love, energy, time, and place you put into him. He just doesn't. It's not because no one else sees how he is, it's not because he's different when you're not arguing, and it's not because you think he'll change or you can fix him with just a little more time. And I know you know this.

I know you feel alone and as if no one else understands you other than him. I know you think the world will crumble if you get the courage to walk away- and let me tell you, it will. It will hurt like hell and feel like the worst thing you could do. But if you think your love for him is stronger than your love for yourself, then it won't work; it just won't. 

He knew what he was doing all along. The worst part of all this is that I knew it, too. They weren't kidding when they said love makes you do crazy things. I have never been under the influence of any drug that was stronger than love. They say at that point, just go get your man. I think that's what's wrong with the world. We mistake love for anything other than its actual definition. I didn't feel safe and secure. Instead, I felt anxious when his following went up. I didn't feel reciprocated regarding the way I loved him. It was only when it was convenient to him. 

If you have to constantly defend yourself and say, "But I love him," then it's time to let him go. If it's in God's plan, it will be. I only say that because I remember when I was on my knees begging God for him to just realize what he was missing and have him come back to me. If you're at the point where you're searching through spiritual guides, then cut it off. Cut it off if you're obsessively waiting for him to text you back. If you see his birthday digits printed somewhere or his initials on a license plate or think about him when the clock hits 11:11, cut it off. 

It didn't hit me overnight. It was a duling and daunting process, and I spent time comparing myself to her and trying to be more of what he wanted. I did this so much I would look in the mirror and not recognize myself. Cut it off if you're looking at yourself and thinking the same thing. If you are mourning the loss of your juvenile self, cut it off. Life is too short. I'm sorry, that's the harsh reality, but life moves on. I didn't think life would move on last year; it felt like the world had stopped on its axis. And after seeing her and him after praying for him forever, I didn't feel pity for myself, but for him. His loss.

To whoever is reading this, I hope you take away one thing, again, from the 19-year-old college student who knows absolutely nothing. I hope you know your worth. I hope you know that some guys "maybe" will be another man's "everything." I hope you can love yourself enough to know you deserve more. If you're with someone good, then great. If you find yourself in my shoes where you couldn't ever let him go, that's okay. It will come with time and patience. You need to break to heal. You can and you will. You will find someone whose sole purpose isn't to hurt you. It may be down the road, tomorrow, or whenever, but it will happen. 

Last year, I would have thrown up after seeing this picture on Instagram, but now I feel nothing. I feel happy for him and hope that he has changed. It wasn't me who got the better version of him, but even if it had been, it doesn't mean I would have gotten the whole sunshine and rainbow act. Love is dangerous, blinding, and selective. Please, please, please don't think something is wrong with yourself for feeling such strong emotions. Your world may seem like it stopped, but trust me, it didn't.

I am insanely exhausted and will start babbling if I don't end it here, so once again, I love, love, love you. Thanks for getting this far, but I'm also sorry if you felt the need to read the whole thing. Have a good night, I'm sure I'll sleep for like 14 hours.

XO- Em